Friday, November 10, 2006
i will stop blogging for some time.
i have to do this, somehow.
she feels that my entries are pathetic.
"pitiful entries which makes ppl sympathize u"
if wadeva i've typed here makes her feel lik she is the bad guy.
i've only re-blogged for prolly a month.
but it seemed lik this has gotten her a whole lot of trouble.
people who commented on the issues.
i dunno if u were bias towards me or u understood hw i feel.
but she doesnt like the comments received.
since this is most prolly my last entry.
i dunno hw to go on.
i feel so empty.
i hope u feel better now.
now im no longer gonna type hw i feel.
nobody will have the chance to blame u anymore.
u wun have the chance to feel blamed by anybody anymore.
i hope this is wad u wan.
i hope in future u wun have to say
"u shld have told me hw u feel......"
or wuld u?
Im nth but just a pain.
My dad talked to me yesterday nite.
he told me to believe in my family.
and i replied
"tell the truth, i've no faith in people anymore.
everybody told me that they will nvr leave.
everybody told me that they will stay by my side.
everybody told me about a better tmr and a better chance.
everybody told me that time is on our side.
everybody told me that the future for us to achieve together is wonderful.
but look at what happened.
look at what is happening right now.
u are saying the things she once told me.
wad makes it so sure that u wun leave me ?
i feel lik erasing myself.
if i have a choice, i dun wanna ever wake up.
i know that if i were to wake up the nxt morning,
i wun be happy as well.
i don't wan to plan wads beyond this hour.
wads the point of planning?
she and i planned a very nice future together as well.
she told me abt all the wonderful things we can do and have nxt time.
our house our dreams our kids.
i've also planned to propose to her.
to give her a pleasant surprise right after her exams.
but dad, u see anything close to that right now?
i wanted to give her things which not every gurlfren has.
havent u notice dad?
its pointless to plan ahead.
because u nvr know when a bombshell gonna hit.
and the fucking unfair thing is that wadeva which hit will be so strong
that it overpowers wadeva u've planned.
but i dun have faith in this family as well.
for now all of u can say that u all will stay by me.
i dunno abt the future.
she has once told me that she and i are a family too.
i thot family dun leave one another?
everything will just go one day.
i've no faith in wad u say."
for every question i ask her.
i still get a reply
" haiz... i don't know"
im only 18.
i've fallen for her since 14.
i've spent more den 20% of my life loving her.
i've spent more den 20% of my life trying to make her happy.
but it seemed lik she has been trying to tell me our efforts has been wasted.
needless to say,
i will get the blame.
i don't wanna waste anybody's time anymore.
I love Meli.
Thursday, November 09, 2006
Alright. this is enough.
I don't know wads going on,
but all i know is that im subjected to all the negativity
and all the crap.
Lets start with the morning.
i woke up feeling bad.
i was wondering " fuck, why am i awake?"
last nite i sent an sms
"dear god, ihad a gd time with honey today.
the last 20 mins of reversi brought back so much fond memories.
but can i ask for something more?
allow me to hav her as soon as i wake up,
if nt at least put me to coma till we can get to live happily ever after.
I love meli"
alrite, nvm i got over this pretty soon.
after awhile she sms-ed me.
i came online to blog.
went to sch to meet miss pat regarding our game concept.
im incharge of drawing the female main char.
halfway, emo again.
i was tinking " shit. i shld hav gone to her sch instead. wtf am i doin here?
she said i wuld be wasting my points if i go into her sch. but screw tt .
i bet there are many students there who scored better den 15.
at least if i were to enter tt sch, im pretty sure i wun lose her due to the
tough schdule and environment"
i skipped drawing.
i won't have the mood anyway.
gesture drawing. forget it.
while coming home, i smsed her quite a few times.
telling her that i hav no sch today, i can pass her back her keys
which she has left with me.
she didnt reply.
from 0958, she didnt reply at all.
im pretty sure she did receive my msg and im pretty sure she could reply.
im more worried abt whether she get to open her own gate than she is.
i reached home, feeling fucked up.
try to slp.
yea. "slept" from 130 to ard 430.
kept waking up to check if i missed out her calls/msg-es
no calls no msges from her.
lets nt talk abt me.
nt even regarding her keys.
woke up , went to have a hot bath.
Honey just called.
she scolded me for wadeva julia tagged.
> I < get the > SCOLDING < because > JULIA < tagged.
i tried to explain to her that i have no control regarding wad the taggers in my tagboard says.
julia's tags were targetting towards huiting.
she told me that i have fucked up frens.
who only know my side of the story and claim that they know everything.
how many times i've said.
i've said 100001110101 times that whoever who reads my blog,
i will refer them to her's as well.
i want to avoid one sided comments as well.
she didnt believe me.
and my honey said " u are so protective over julia. i dun care anymore. i dun care about ur life anymore. do wad u wan."
im nt being protective over anyone over here.
in fact, if i am,
the only person i will protect is u, honey.
i dunno why suddenly she thinks that im so great.
to ability to control so many things going on.
why does everytime something bad happened,
im definatly one of the culprit?
i don't know man.
i've been trying to make life good.
esp when it comes to the both of us.
i beginning to feel thats its pretty pointless to try.
pretty pointless to feel and to understand.
to give in.
when she didnt do as well as her parents expected.
[ i dunno wads so bad abt her grades anyway ]
i got blamed for entering her life.
When i try to help her attain more freedom.
voice out wad she feels towards her family.
i got blamed for her parents disliking me.
when she left me,
and semi moved on.
i get blamed for my great plunge.
something which she didnt mind initially.
didnt mind till i stood up,
and stood nxt to her.
when annoynmous tagged her blog.
i get the blame by default.
when people tag in my blog.
i get blamed.
no matter wad happens.
the bad stuff always get passed to me.
probably thats why im nt having her now.
because i can only have the bad stuff.
so dun tell me stuff lik " somebody better will be there for u."
i find that its pretty pointless now to live beyond today.
i've breathed enough.
if god wants me to breathe sommore,
allow me to breathe happily pls.
I've said this to honey many times.
"i don't want to be a semi anymore.
if im nt granted the place in ur heart.
grant me a place in hell."
and i mean hell, literally.
I hate myself.
Ima wrong brith .
if my existance has caused so much unhappiness.
pls do mankind a favour pls?
kill me pls?
I love Meli.
and despite all the words i've said,
saying that i've lost faith in trying,
i know after i push the "publish post" button,
i will still try to get her back.
I love Meli.
I have been waking up to bad dreams latly.
bad dreams, weird dreams.
2 nites ago i dreamt tt im in this room with only a fone.
and the fone rang.
and i could hear myself from the other side.
asking me some questions. expecting me to ans.
it happened right after i decided nt to tag at her blog.
and the dream was questioning me alot abt why nt be objective and stuff.
yea im quite affected by it.
but honey dun worry,tt decision made won't be reverse.
unless some shit really happened.
last nite i dream was..
nvm lets nt talk abt last nite's dream.
last nite i played reversi with her .
it was so interesting.
our aim is to LOSE the game.
come on, ima born loser.
of course i lose the games.
and there was once we draw.
DRAWING IN REVERSI!
maybe ima country bumkin , but i hardly draw.
she took a screenshot of it and sent it to me.
honey tonite we play again =]
latly she has been facing couple of problems.
her PW . her family.
i really wish to be the one not only standing nxt to her,
but the one clearing the mess with her.
yes i know tt im nt her boyfren or wadeva.
let me use some buisness terms.
i am currently going thru active depreciation.
almost at scrap cost now i guess.
but b4 i get scrapped, i just wan to do as much as i can first.
we were having lunch together yesterday when she told me abt her being the weakest in her pw grp.
in other words, the weakest link.
but she gotta understand something, if the team is strong,
and overall the team scores well, it doesnt matter if u are the weakest link or not.
there are only 4 in a team.
the probablity everybody faces to be the weakest is 25%.
and no matter how strong a team is, theres always a weakest link.
its lik being the poorest millionaire in the world.
regarding her family.
she didnt tell me anything abt it.
just alittle here and there.
in the past ,
i thot i am the cause of her being picked on by her mom.
but right now, im playing such a small role in her life.
probably u can't even call it small.
micro role in her life.
and she and her mom still get into conflict.
honey, no matter wad, my home here can be ur refugee camp,
When ur world crumbles and fall.
trust that i will be there to hold ur favourite piece of sky.
Who says we must have a zillion acre to be rich and have each other.
just wherever u and i are standing, w.o any barrier in btwn.
thats good enuf.
I love u.
I've typed this entry in a moment of high-ness.
i dunno why. probably because she just sms-ed me.
and i wanna blog tis entry down immediatly.
im courting her.
I love Meli
I've promised honey nt to blog yesterday.
right now is 0005.
i've kept my promise
this entry will be short.
i dun wish to say much.
theres an uprising of annoynmous taggers.
nobody has any idea who they are.
be it they are stranger or wad,
pls treat them lik human at least.
flaming isnt gonna help.
yes, i dun appreciate it when they dun post their identity as well.
does it matter if we know who these ppl are?
so wad if they have posted the ASL?
wadeva they gonna say isnt gonna change.
i welcome everybody to tag.
yes, i still do.
i welcome everybody to read the tags.
yes , sure.
stop linking every annoynmous taggers to me.
its lik as though theres a syndicate which revolves ard me.
even japan doesnt link every death to kira.
and the worst thing is.
even she feels this way.
I love Meli.
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
This entry will be a declaration.
A declaration of me no longer gonna tag at her tagboard.
I know why am i doing the things i do, saying the things i say.
She knows why i do the things i do, and say the things i say.
all i've to offer is the truth.
the only variable is the amount of truth,
not degree of truth.
i am not somebody who doesnt do something when i know that something is going on.
be it something right or wrong is going on.
and thats why till today, i might be the only OBVIOUS antagonist
i don't wanna weigh the objective side against the humane side.
and because my bias actions of shoving the objective side away,
i've decided to back off by stop tagging.
And i don't wish to question myself regarding this decision made.
I don't think anybody will appreciate it if i were to choose the objective side.
i'm not doing this to protect the people AROUND her.
i'm doing this solely to protect her.
And i guess that this is something i want to clarify.
be it my decision to remove that media will directly /indirectly influence things around us, i will just let it be.
this decision is also made to save her the trouble of needing to blog hop.
because all of us know that annoynmous taggers lurk everywhere.
be it from my circle of frens or not, they all share the same identity.
i am unhappy.
in fact, very unhappy.
unhappy that i've to actually once again, restrict myself.
restrict myself doing the things which till today, is still valid.
i do understand the need for this to take place.
but theres a fine line between being understanding and being fine with it.
im blogging this in open not because i want to put anybody down.
im blogging this down is because i wanna avoid the unneccessary questions my honey has to face if theres any.
this isnt the first time im giving in w.o being fully prepared for it.
but i dun wish to be fully prepared for it before giving her this priviledge.
i don't think i want her to wait till then.
i've screwed up the first time.
i hope this time, nth bad happens.
i don't blame anyone for this decision/ entry to be made.
if u (jux anybody) feel guilty about it, don't bother.
it has nth to do with u.
if i were to blame,
i only have myself to blame.
thats because it was my decision back then to give in w.o being fully prepared for it.
i hope she appreciates it.
I love Meli.
alrite i only have 15 mins to blog this.
i woken up from a bad bad dream.
bad bad bad bad bad dream.
regarding my previous post.
honey, im nt scolding u or wad.
if u can't sense the tone becux they are all in text.
imagine me hugging u while telling u all those.
prolly it will help ease the tension
last nite while talking to edmund, honey san called me.
we were talking on msn earlier on actually.
but she was tired and i told her that if theres anything, im jux a buzz away.
" i can't slp. coax me to slp pls "
she sounded sad, i didnt know wad happened.
tried to ask but she jux said nth.
so being somebody who wished to know wads bugging her,
i asked if it was abt her oral presentation shes gonna have today.
she jux said " nth. faster. i can't slp. coax me.."
alrite. so as usual.
everytime i coax her to slp, i will sing the smurfy good night song to her.
and i did.
she sounded weird after tt.
she cried? i dunno.
or maybe becux i was croaking thats why.
im nt somebody with a nice singing voice,
yes i admit.
im musically retard.
well, she told me to record it down and send to her via mms
so that in future if she can't slp, she can play tt "lovly tune".
and the screwed part was,
i kept forgetting the lyrics! =/
anyway i did a "good enuf" one and send it to her.
she set it as her ringtone.
btw my ringtone is "lips of an angel" by hinder.
see, i call her "honey"
and the first line of the song is " honey why u are calling me so late?"
anyway tmr we having teppanyaki.
den we suddenly talked abt the teppanyaki restaurant at jurong.
yea and she started to get hungry.
anyway anybody know hw to get there? if nt we are gonna cab down.
latta on, she told me abt the games she played during her primary sch days.
vampire hamburger strawberry pineapple banana.
and i told her wad i do during my primary sch days.
ima cry baby when i was young.
how i played pranks on ppl.
soon its ard 2 am.
she needs to go to slp.
wow. amazing. she didnt say
" i need to go already"
she jux tell me she wans to slp.
so i took tis chance and ask" we slp by the fone? "
and she agreed!
yea i know tis is something i always hav last time.
nt tt i took it for granted all the while
but right now, given such shaky period,
alrite, i gtg.
got rendering lighting and texturing class AND realtime 3d.
6 hrs of 3d lessons.
i hate 3d max, alias, maya, discreet and autodesk.
last nite was sweet.
and i hope this can go on.
I love you honey. *muarkx*.
today will be a good day for u and me.
hmm, let me retype
today will be a good day for [you and me]
I love Meli.
Monday, November 06, 2006
i've read her blog.
yes. heart wrenching.
and heres my reply.
finally u admitted tt deep down inside you are STILL lost.
i've offered u my hand to help u out.
i've offered u my time.
i've offered u my commitments.
i've offered u everything i can.
my only request is that u give me the chance to bring u where u've brought me.
and that where u've brought me is a realisation that we can actually be happily together.
whole world knows that you don't wan to have 2 guys.
and thats why i can see the fight u are having with urself to make a decision.
the thing about being lost is that
i don't know if u are true abt feeling so urself when u are with him.
because i know that u know something.
u feel pressurized by wad im gonna say next.
is it because u are afraid that i might say things u don't want to hear?
or because u are still lost and u dun quite get wad im saying?
or u know wadeva i say is true, but u dun wanna accept it?
and i guess he isnt the only one who re-assures u tt theres somebody who loves u.
cux im constantly reminding u of that as well.
even during the time when i was guiding u from behind and nt having u to see me.
u felt my presence, u know i care.
if u doubt tis statement,
read ur pyshic entries when u say " somehow i know he still loves me. somehow i still know he cares "
u don't know what to do,
all the time.
i guess ur most confident moment was when u told me abt so much ahead of us.
and lik i've said all along.
who told u that u are gonna do everything alone?
i AM and i WILL be there to push with u.
the maturity that he is giving right now was something i wished to grant u.
and when i've told u abt it , telling u to grow up , trying to help u see things
from another perspective, things screwed up.
i don't know if it is because my lack of experience handling this.
but im sorry honey,
i feel discredited.
being probably the only one who dares to voice out how YOU feel by default makes me the OBVIOUS antagonist.
but honey, pls remember that i was voicing out how YOU feel.
all ur " i wish i could achieve xxxxxx"
" i hope i can xxxxx"
which u told me last time, im actually putting MY image and impression at risk hoping to achieve that for u.
I dun expect a grand announcment or some news broadcast after that.
u know im doing this for us.
i lack maturity?
probably in some issues, yes i do.
but making the decision to be an understanding boyfriend of urs to be able to accept the fact that my gurl was being court and to understand that i have to trust my gurl becux she deserves it.
isnt that a showcase of thoughts?
thoughts not for myself honey, but for u.
the decision to be ur antagonist, hoping to take the shots for you so that life will be better for us together in future,
isnt that a showcase of maturity to understand that sometimes u have to take the slaps for everybody from everybody to achieve more?
i admit i am.
but because of this impracticality, it gives me the courage to do things which people might not dare to do after calculating the risk involve.
and because of you,
i don't mind taking that risk.
i just hope that if things screw up,
u will understand why did i do the things i do.
might nt be immediatly.
but nt too long as well.
everybody sees things in quite a narrow scope.
we don't exactly see wadeva the whole world does.
and if nobody voices out, everybody will just be trapped in their own POV.
i know that you know that ur parents too, have a narrow scope.
yes, they are ur parents.
as much as i dun wish to disregard them from the start as my future in-laws,
i hope they are not over-rated as well.
i've pictured things being in ur shoes honey.
wad if my parents are strict.
and i came to realise that my parents have lived more than half their lives.
as for u and me, we have a long long long way to go.
and if we gonna stop progressing cux of my parents,
i tink its pretty unfair for u and me.
becux u know that i know that one day my parents will accept u.
all ur parents took to set an impression of me was 1 conversation and a txt msg.
how about the things i've achieved?
how about the things i've helped u achieve?
the new experiences i've gave u.
its because of u i came to realise that i need to be better for the ppl i love.
thanks to u.
i've woken up.
and thanks to u, u've made me a stronger person to not only find ways to solve my issues, but urs as well.
because i know,
u entrusted me with the responsibility to pave a better route for u.
i've given u both carrots and sticks.
but no matter hw harsh i was to u,
at the end of the day, i will nudge u ,
telling u how much u mean to me and hw much i love u.
be it a verbally or via text or jux a mutual subconscious thing,
doesnt deny that i care for u,
i love u and i wanna walk down my road in life with u.
just incase u've forgotten the text msg i've sent u.
i shall post it here.
"The future u convinced me to see is sweet and blissful. and im trying hard, yet not forcing u, to bring u to the same frequency. i hope u give me the chance to lead u lik hw u've led me. u are not firm on ANYTHING. im sure of tt. im nt being an ego freak now but honey, u are subconsciously emitting such signals. i dun wan us to regret nt having each other. and i say US is because i am aware of the chances that u will. and i know tt u know tt the chance of tt happening isnt slim"
i don't want to go full fletch to getting u back.
because u know if i go full fletch, i will implement tt chaos theory.
and u know that i won't.
because u know that theres a soft side in me.
and u know that my soft spot is about u.
im nt putting MYSELF in a league beyond others.
but if there are somethings which i feel that i ought to be recognized for,
i hope i get to tell.
honey, i hope u realise.
i didnt post that i can't get into a relationship cux i love u just to make u feel good abt urself.
u know me.
im nt somebody who make ppl feel good for the sake of making them feel good.
probably u've nvr felt this b4,
or lost the feeling.
but i feel that you are the special one.
nt to be offensive to the female readers,
but i see u as a league beyond the rest.
not because u are some blue blood or special birth.
but its the significance u hold in me.
and yes, i admit.
i hope i can achieve that place in u as well.
and im working towards that.
its not a sin to move on and move on w.o u.
yes, i want to be happier too.
but when YOU play the key role in my life,
its nt quite possible to jux take u away like that and be able to be happy about it.
thats YOU in ME.
i didnt make a reservation for u before i met u.
everybody's first love is always special.
and i guess,
i can regard u as my first love.
because u made me do big things when i fall,
and do small things when i know i can do more but decided not to because i tink of hw u feel.
I love you honey.
im still alive.
i did my char design for RT3D till 8am
den i went to bed till 930.
wash up. went to sch.
supposed to meet ms pat at 10.
but she changed it to 1030.
im pretty fine with tt.
i went to get breakfast.
and wtf i got?
i just wanted to know wads so nice abt sushi tt honey san likes so much.
so i got.
and i tried.
and i puke after that. no way. no sushi for me.
so we met ms pat at 1030.
tell the truth, my mind was switch off.
i was tinking abt latta when im gonna meet honey san,
hw will it be like.
i was jux looking down, frowning, arms crossed.
its as though im an accessor rather den a student.
actually the morning didnt start off well.
we were supposed to go cathy starbucks.
but end up we went yishun starbucks instead.
she didnt wanna travel and im pretty fine with it.
the screwed up part is that i needa print my char design.
the printing shop is at town.
and it closes at 4?
and my thumbdrive and ipod are with honey san.
so tt means i couldnt save my work till i get home.
but its alrite. im pretty fine with it.
i mean. right now, honey san > work.
thats for sure.
alrite. she sms-ed me around 11.
we were supposed to meet at 11 anyway.
telling me that she will be late.
i told her i wait for her at the bus stop near her place instead of the train station.
she thot it was a good idea as she wanna take bus down instead.
i alighted a stop b4 the actual destination.
i walked to the playground near tt bus stop.
i did tt on purpose.
during august, i noticed some vandalism on the playground.
it says "Minghui Meli. Love you but we cannot be "
at tt time, we were already a step more to being together.
today is nov 6.
and its still there. unscrapped.
yea no big deal probably to the readers.
i mean ." who cares abt vandalism. why bother unscrapping"
i took a pic of it using my phone and named it "Silly gurl"
she WAS silly.
i dun wanna judge right nw is she still silly nt getting back together.
but back then, she was.
i walked to her bus stop alone.
lotsa memory flashed back.
i rmb once we quarrelled at tt playground.
and when walking back. both of us cried.
nt the boo hoo hoo kind.
the kind with tears flowing down... ya. those kind.
and the amazing thing was tt, by them we reach the nxt playground, we made up.
sweet at the end.
anyway i met her.
she smiled . i frowned.
she talked to me lik as though nth happened btwn us.
i jux kept my head down and frown.
den i took her bag for her and we headed for the bus.
she asked me " why are u so quiet? why arent u talking"
and i replied " i will talk latta. let me think thru wad i wanna say first "
so in the bus. i told her.
" honey, im nt the best animator.
probably for now, im the best animator u know.
but in future, when u have better bigger projects,
u might not approach me.
after today i might be gone.
tis might jux be the last chance i have to get u back.
i dunno what he can give u.
i know right now,
i dun have much material stuff to feed to u.
but i know that all these while,
i have paved quite a good path for u.
i know where we want to head.
i've provided solutions for u.
u only know it when i was holding u and leading u from the front.
but wadabout the times i guided u from behind?
i hope its worth it at the end.
i know that everybody knows that you know that somehow,
things might work out for us.
and you know that wadeva i've said isnt base-less
and even right now despite all the shit thats happen ard me, on me , in me,
im nt gonna reveal.
u are somebody who put problems aside and jux accept it.
thats the sweet side of u, i might say.
i hope u tink about it."
she kept quiet.
we headed for starbucks.
and suddenly she say " i've something to talk to u abt. but not now. after my project. and thats after nxt wk "
and i replied " okay. so u want me to stay alive till then? "
and she say " yea, at least for that. stay alive"
i dun wanna read too much into it.
i told her
" tell the truth, i very much want to work at starbucks."
she supported me.
she told me that if thats the case,
she can visit me and get free mocha frap everyday.
and i told her " does that mean i will get to see u everyday? "
we reached there and couldnt find any powerpoint.
but it doesnt matter, i told her i will finish all her stuff in 2 hrs.
i got her fav ice mocha frap with extra whip cream and warm chocolate cake.
she hasnt change.
the first scoop she scoop up was still offered to me.
i was still pretty down when we met.
i mean. this might be the last time.
so i really didnt talk much.
jux short sentences in btwn.
she was the one talking and talking.
and den she say
" u are very quiet. its so not fun "
and i replied
" missing me already?"
and again, she laughed.
and i say
" den appreciate it when im there to entertain u "
she was using her sister's 3G fone today.
2 MP camera.
so she tried to test.
she aimed the fone at me.
tell the truth, i feel odd looking cameras.
i know shes doing that.
but i pretended to be focus at wadeva im doing.
and yeap, she snapped a pic of me .
and snapped my screen after tt.
throughout the whole stay at starbucks
(probably around 1.5 hrs?)
she was talking abt her oral presentation.
how much her teachers lik her slides.
how her teachers thought abt her presentations.
i tried to teach her a couple of things to do for an animation.
i tried to show her.
but everytime i say " honey. if u wan to create a...."
den she will jux shove it away " dun wan dun wan dun wan.."
i was looking at her when suddenly she said
"nxt time if i need animation i will look for u. i dun care i dun care. "
but i went on " honey if u wanna export as gif animated sequences"
den she once again rejected " dun wan dun wan. dun tell me dun wanna see. nxt time i will look for u if i need animation. "
i dunno to be happy or not.
one side of me thot " *Sigh*. im jux an animator "
the other side of me thot " alrite. i get to spend more time with her "
after that , she wanted to xfer hinder's lips of an angel from her laptop to our phones.
failed quite a number of times while sending to her.
she forgotten that i can send to her via bluetooth as well.
surprisingly, when she tried to bluetooth over.
there isnt any pin prompt.
she asked " ur fone got pin? "
i was lik..
" u were the one who set it for me when i got my fone.
why? cux u say " i know that u always talk to me at night.
den fone battery will flat.
so i set my name as ur pin and ur text message,
so that everytime u on ur fone, u will tink of me""
obviously she has forgotten abt it.
halfway along the way she said
"i got a feeling i might need to meet u for animation on wed again"
again my heart was semi happy and sad.
and she say " den we can have lunch together. lets have teppan yaki"
wow. teppan yaki.
she told me " there are some places i wouldnt go with others other den u.
teppan yaki is one place.
and ummm.. wheelock's fish n co. cux such places
special to us. wheelock's fish n co i only went with huimin before.
other den tt no more."
ard 1 hr + after we settled down at starbucks,
i've cleared her animation.
and she ask me to faster go and print my stuff cux i need em tmr.
i tell her its okay i can stay with her.
den she began to make a fuss.
she tapped me a few times on my lap and said
" nonononono. faster faster. u need to print if nt no time already.
u need ur work tmr. faster faster faster go.. "
i stared at her.
so cute ar.
jux lik when she was my gurlfren.
always saying " faster faster do ur work den cor me can pei me"
or " faster finish ur project den friday we can go out"
den latta she say " im heading towards bb to get something from him, den i go home after that "
i kept quiet.
and she say " come on, we WILL meet on wednesday.
im asking u out on a lunch date.
and i dun care, u just gotta make it for me"
so i sent her to the train station.
and i told her
" honey. i was quiet jux now becux i was actually tinking
that in the past, i wanted to be a good boyfren.
allow u to hang out with whoever u wan, as long as u get the intentions right.
and right now, im feeling bad abt it.
how can i call u mine? really mine?
that was wadeva ttx on my mind jux now.
i love u "
and she replied.
" i don't know. just feeling weird why u were like this "
hmm this is the tough part
"why u were like this " as in be the good boyfren and allow her to hangout
with whoever she wans as long as she gets the intentions right?
feel down abt it.
either way , im gonna ans them both.
for the first one,
i allow her to hang out with whoever she wans becux i trust her.
and i wanna let her enjoy the priviledge not every gurlfren gets.
i wanted to bring our relationship to another platform whereby we know wads goin on in each other's life when we are nt physically together.
such mutual trust is hard to achieve and hard to give.
and i wanted to be the one taking the initiative to step on tt platform,
den hold her hand and bring her up as well.
for the 2nd one,
same, i wanted to be a better, or at least, a good boyfren.
but in the midst of trying to achieve that "god like" status,
i let her ran too wild.
and its ironic to see that i've lost our future because i wanted to be a good boyfren.
im gonna meet her on wednesday.
im nt expecting much out of this, actually.
but i hope that things will be good when we talk after her pw.
make it worth it for me to live till then.
I love Meli. *muarkx*
Sunday, November 05, 2006
quoted from julia's blog
"If it was really so easy to forget someone, if it just involved a flick of a switch or simply spending time and keeping your mind preoccupied, then I would laugh at this manufacturing defect of god"
if im forgotten and unwanted.
erase me off.
dun make me a laughing stock.
end of entry.
I love Meli
Saturday, November 04, 2006
i've been grumpy all day
i mean .
very grumpy. *sigh*
i have my char design to complete
i MUST print tmr if nt i dun have the time to
and fuck it im still nt done with it.
i havent even thot of wad to create
but fuck. who cares abt sch work?
gah, i can do those latta.
i mean. my honey san gonna call me latta.
so i will jux do after she calls.
anyway, i've read her blog.
read her tag.
and theres this tag.
"Anoy.: isnt it funny..got two persons saying i love you to you at the same time. seriously, if you still love minghui why go to jj and play with him. now jj will end up the victim yeah"
alrite, i shall state my stand.
i dun appreciate annoynmous taggers.
alrite, theres no way u can remain unknown in the cyber world.
annoynmous taggers as in, ppl who dun leave behind their names.
or their nick or something.
yea true, sometimes even if u post ur name, it doesnt matter.
cux sometimes nobody knows u.
and the keyword is..
i hope honey san and her gurl frens actually read my blog first
b4 replying to tt tag.
i mean the chances of it happening is lik 0.000000000000000000001%
i have access to honey san's cbox anyway.
i decided nt to delete any tags from her box.
bascially cux i respect her. and allow her to meddle with her own cbox.
sometimes i feel that annoynmous taggers are sometimes ppl we know.
tt person who tagged at my honey san's blog seem to know wads goin on.
well i dunno how.
but my guess is ..
he/she reads my blog as well?
yea i can do the "police catch thieve" method.
track down the IP.
probably ima noob. i dunno much abt such things as well.
theres only certain stuff i can decode out of the address.
so, if the person reads our blogs
or wad more, know us.
probably he/she is trying to say something?
alrite this is pretty fucked up.
if the person meant well, i guess honey san shld read it.
i mean, that person sounded as though he/she knows something.
i shall state my stand again,
i dun appreciate annoynmous taggers.
im nt an ANTI-ANNOYNMOUS TAGGER.
i just dun really support such things.
wtf is going on.
shes always on my mind.
and i really mean ALWAYS.
when i eat slp bath work game draw write type.
ALL THE FUCKING TIME.
i was taking a long bath jux now.
and i thot abt stuff btwn honey san and i.
she trusts me in almost EVERYTHING.
doing her animation.
her problems. (yea nt so often now but i guess do know stuff ppl dun. i hope. fuck)
her project work.
the confidence that i will get her things done b4 she needs them.
she trusts that i will keep her secrets.
she knows that i will protect her.
she knows that im there for her.
she even trusts that ima pro in the handgear game.
yea and last hour:25 , that game as well.
alrite, heres the screwed up part.
she doesnt trust that we can be together right now despite all these.
she doesnt have faith in love for fuck sake.
she is sharing wadeva she doesnt have faith in with someone else.
yea alrite, im nobody to fucking discuss abt tis.
i love her and i care for her.
and i guess the minimum i can do is to at least, tink abt it.
ponder abt it.
i know its my fault somehow she became like tis.
my fucked up " im afraid im nt perfect enuf for u, honey"
see wad i mean?
SCREW THE CONSIDERATION!
fuck. why did i even CARE SO MUCH earlier on
and only to have myself missing her right now?!
gah, of cux i mean.
shes so special.
and i love her so much and thats why i bothered to.
i hate myself for nt being able to have her right now.
hw i wish she can jux kill me.
i mean literally kill me.
at least i can see her b4 i die.
if she misses me.
yea probably den im selfish.
i sux in everything.
i can't even keep her mine.
i got around a hundred bucks left from last mth's expenses.
becux theres i dun have her to accompany.
she has taken herself away.
we didnt talk much today.
WADAYA EXPECT MINGHUI. U HAVE NO ANIMATION TO DO TODAY.
YOU HAVE FUCKING NO ANIMATION TO DO!
life sux after shes gone.
may i die tonite.
alrite not tonite.
after i publish this post.
I love Meli.
blogging b4 going to sch to complete my game's prototype.
woke up late.
shld have met FWA in town today to get stuff for our prototype
today started off bad.
i mean, everyday is bad now.
im was quite glad actually that last nite i actually insisted my way.
going to her place at 11+ pm.
i rmbed along the way she sms me
"u havent changed these 3 yrs "
the fact is.
i no longer know where she is.
wads she doin.
when shes slping/waking up.
hw she feels.
wad she thinks.
my significance and presence in her changed. *sigh*
anyway, theres gonna be some minor changes to be made in her animation again.
thats probably why we are still talking today.
anyway im meeting her on monday.
i hope pitching is at 9
if its at 3 den im skipping it.
dun bother manxz.
im gonna get erased pretty soon anyway.
why bother abt concept pitching and stuff lik tt.
im still nt talking to my parents
" orh. k. anything. yes. no"
honey san actually told me nt to do tt.
she told me tt they care and stuff.
i care too. so?
right now, i dun feel lik caring abt anything other den her.
i mean. for fuck sake?
everything will die one day.
andy is always telling me to tink abt the consequences.
wads the point?
u consider so much, u waste so much fucking time.
u consider so much, trying to make things perfect when all u can do is probably jux play tt fucking small role.
but i guess i shldnt bother so much abt anything.
anything other den her and us.
and hope this "selfishness" influences some other stuff.
im an ass.
yes i am.
do u? if u do, den dun bother.
everything dies one day.
i die one day.
i will jux be a temporary thing.
spend ur time and effort on something more long lasting.
and now im becoming somebody whom i dun wanna be.
dun like to be.
just like her...
pot calling the kettle black ya?
at least we belong to the same class.
i know shes sad.
i know my honey san is sad.
she told me.
and shes pretending to be okay.
pretending to be alrite to be in another relationship.
i dunno manxz.
wads she putting herself through?
honey i love u.
let me be there to help u alrite?
at least for the last few days b4 i erase myself?
damn. i need a fucking time machine.
wads the point honey san?
i had a weird dream last nite.
its actually quite gory.
i dreamt tt i massacred the world.
i killed everybody in my way.
i was drenched in blood.
not mine blood, their blood.
and den i heard ppl screaming from the other side.
i found it pretty weird.
i stood there motionlessly.
den i saw my honey san with a knife as well.
killing everybody along the way.
den she came to me and say
" now its jux the 2 of us. who says we can't build our own world?"
but the last line was sweet.
and thats why i called it a dream and nt a nightmare.
infact i had many weird dreams lik tt.
wet dreams. ya..
dreams whereby she telling me shes pregnant.
all abt just us.
or .. at least showed that we are happy and together.
to the day either i erase myself
or the day she comes back.
I love Meli.
for the number xxxx day?
guess i shall blog b4 i go to bed.
went to watch flush just now with dm0507 (jux. 4 of them. pathetic)
it was almost full house and im sitting nxt to these 2 strangers
the reception there sux.
i was actually waiting for honey san's sms.
so i had to keep restarting my fone.
my welcome note was
Hubbie love Honey.
and who set it?
my honey san .
so sweet rite. she knows that my fone always run outta batt
(somehow, i mean we use to tok on the fone thru the nite, wadaya think)
and when i on my fone , i can see tt msg she set for me.
the lady nxt to me found it irritating
and prompted me nt to use the fone.
in fact i dun giv a flying fuck.
we went to toys r us.
damn, it hasnt change at all!
i still see my honey san's and my "sex toy"
and the xbox 360.
and tt plastic grip.
damn. i miss her.
after the show,
my honey san msg-ed me some pretty negative stuff.
negative stuff abt herself.
thats the fucked up part.
honey san, i shall protect u once again.
i shall not blog abt wad we talk abt.
negative.. and .. kinky? stuff?
silly gurl, dun ever say tt again.
i love u . rmb that.
but still, at tt time. i couldnt take it.
i went over to her place.
nt exactly her place. to her backdoor.
and now the sweet part comes in.
we talked on the fone .
im standing at her backdoor.
and shes standing by the window.
and we watched each other as we chatted on the fone.
come on, tell me thats sweet.
in fact i've been lik..
being at her backdoor quite many times already.
just that this time i called her to tell her tt im there.
i do this all the time.
but its only tonite that she knows.
she says im the first guy who did this for her.
she was pretty shocked when i told her tt i even know the time to the last bus.
i've done this over a hundred times. -.-
she got worried that the police will come and look for me..
and told me to stay by the bus stop at least.
or if possible, go home becux its getting late.
i didnt bear to initially.
so i asked her on the fone " honey.. do u wan me to giv in? "
she said " up to u.. this is ur choice.. "
and i reply " give in again, for this relationship? would u prefer me to? "
and she said ya.
so . yea. i gave in. and i took the nxt bus back.
in the bus, i confessed abt all the things ive done DELIBERATELY
to get her attention when she thot i was "cold" and "heartless".
in fact all these while we are doing things for one another.
just that we kept our intentions within ourselves.
she told me abt how perfect we could be together.
and i didnt dare to tell her anything till ive made everything perfect for her.
honey san, no more alrite?
tell me ur intentions. i will tell u mine
there are no more bus services when i reached yishun.
so i had to walk home
and she accompanied me on the fone.
so sweet . *muarkx*
she knows that im afraid of taking the lift alone.
and she accompanied me all the way home.
along the way i told her
"honey, its a cycle. at first, u thot u are nt good enuf for me.
den i am afraid that im nt good enuf for u.
and now u tink tt u are nt worthy of me. honey.
no more such shit lik u are nt good enuf for me or im nt good enuf for u.
u know it. "
well, im meeting her on monday =]
i hope things will be well by then.
i mean. good for the two of us.
i miss her so much.
dang! i was so close to her jux now.
other den the time we stayed over at the chalet
the time we had midnite show with dah and her fren.
and the times she came over to my place to slp over.
this is probably the first midnight we get to see each other!
tonite has been pretty sweet.
i mean. with all our confessions and stuff lik tt.
was actually more den i've expected.
thank u so much.
i love u *muarkx*.
dun say silly stuff anymore.
tmr im gonna get her back.
I love Meli.
Friday, November 03, 2006
hi. im here to blog again.
i miss her.
this post might be quite a sad one.
i worked all night to complete her animation and slides.
i ended my day at ard 5am.
i went to bed. with my alarm set at 6.
she woke up at 545 telling her that i have something to pass to her.
she told me to go look for her during lunch intially.
her break after A lvl chinese is at 11.15.
and by right, im having my pipeline tutorial.
so i told her that i wuld have to skip sch if i were to go over at lunch.
so she suggested after her class, which is 6pm.
so i asked her " why nt 640 am? " *which is 40 mins from then*
she told me she couldnt make it.
and i smsed her
"..in my ipod, theres a file which says finalslide(3nov)0432hr.
okay? haix. pls tell me that i didnt waste time figuring out on hw
to input ur GIF files to ur ppt and have it to work . pls? haix"
her ppt file naming format is > finalslides(DATE)8888hr.
finalslide(3nov)0432hr means. 3rd nov 0432am.
she asked if i can upload though.
the thing is. yousendit was down at ard 430am
gmail sux at uploading files. it takes a lifetime to upload 10mb.
lets nt talk abt 14mb.
*sigh*. it hurts pretty bad. i mean. i stayed up all nite till dawn.
and.. i can't even have this to go my way.
so i replied
"if it uploads, i wuld have. haix. it hurts. to know i stay up
despite being ill so tt u can slp in pece. probably dreaming of someone else.
and when u are doin so.
im working and struggling. i love u honey.
dun u see it?
hai. it hurts. to tell da truth.
i hope my decision to end my yesterday
only at 5 is worthy.
if nt, jux treat me as another dog working my ass off jux to meet the minimums.
she was sweet. she aplogize for having me to skip sch again.
but in the end.
i found out tt today pipeline we will have to do some discussion practical.
i can't afford to skip.
my grp needs me. *sigh*
so i went to sch and told mr leo tt i will be leaving at 1015 or so.
shelia asked if we are backed together.
i told her no.
she was lik "ahh. wad happened?"
and i showed her my blog. (yes this blog)
i went to her school.
while waiting for the bus. she asked me where was i.
wow. she took the initiative to sms me.
well i asked abt her chinese paper.
she replied "crap. nxt year retake"
honey san, dun be silly.
they pass/fail according to the gradient.
not jux from ur score.
i met her. pass her my ipod and letter which i wrote last nite.
and she left.
under 5 seconds.
she called me to thank me for my efforts
for the quality
for the performance.
she sounded so sweet.
*sigh* i miss her.
my honey san.
i told her to rmb to have lunch
she said her fren will be getting lunch for her.
and she will call me tonight.
i went home.
on my way home , i smsed her
"if tang ask y is the file size so huge. tell him tt in order to
maximize the clarity so tt it wun be
pixelated, i've x2 the resolution. dun take
the blame for me if he scolds.
u gt nth to do with the way i handle the file size"
supposed to wake up at 1315 to go for my jap class.
and i slept...
i went my japanese lesson.
i don't have the mood to attend those classes anymore.
i mean. pretty pointless now, aye?
i went into class.
and ai sensei said " konichiwa minghui kun"
i was blank.
and i stared at her.
and i said...
wtf. i even screwed up my greetings!
im supposed to say " konichiwa sensei"
ai sensei was quite dissappointed with my performance.
i still couldnt memories the whole hirigana.
i told her wad happened.
and she told me to memoriese at least half by nxt wk.
oh ya, and i need my txt book from kinokuniya.
honey san. our honeymoon?
tell the truth,
all along. i've been tinking.
why am i the only one feeling this way?
i've kept my knowledge within myself.
ppl who are happy out there, well.
be happy while u can.
im waiting for my honeysan's sms
nt just that.
her return as well.
i hope this project isnt our only bridge of communication
i hope this project brought us somewhere closer. infact, back together.
i hope ..
i hope.. she loves me and jux me.
i love my honey san.
when i can still speak, hear wad i have to say.
when i can still write, read wad i've written.
when im still ard, be with me.
becux. i might be gone. soon.
and nobody will say the things i say to u.
and nobody will write the letters i've wrote to u.
and give u everything i gave.
i love u honey san.*muarkx*
Thursday, November 02, 2006
taken from jt's blog
WHAT A KISS MEANS
Kiss on the stomach-----"lets have sex"
Kiss on the Forehead ----"Forever you will be mine"
Kiss on the Ear ---"I'm horny"
Kiss on the Cheek ---"We're friends"
Kiss on the Hand ---"I adore you"
Kiss on the Neck ---"We belong together"
Kiss on the Shoulder ---"I want you"
Kiss on the Lips ---"I love you" OR "Iwant you"
Holding Hands ---"We can learn to love each other"
Slap on the Butt ---"That's mine" ( haha, how true!)
Playing with the Ear ---"I can't live without you"
Holding on tight ---"Don't let go"
Looking into each other's Eyes ---"Don't let go"
Playing with Hair on Head ---"Tell me you love me"
Arms around the Waist ---"I love you too much to let go"
Laughing while Kissing ---"I am completely comfortable with you"
i wonder if this accurate.
i kiss / play with / put my hands / arms on /around every part of her.
probably the only part i didnt kiss is her..
feet and .. armpit?
and i guess she "interacted" every inch of me.
and i wonder did she get or
was she emitting the messages stated above.
that sounds kinky.
this blog has gone thru lotsa filtration.
the residue clogged is lik..
and all i did was to protect her.
it seems lik i've devoted my life to her.
my honey san.
Melissa poon keat yeng.
and right now,
probably is the toughest moment we have to go thru b4 we can live happily with one another.
i dun feel lik going to sch.
wads the point of getting my grades and my cert when at the end of the day,
im nt a happy man?
she has kinda.. changed.
she appears to be a stronger individual.
but somehow i know,
deep inside her, she is still the little innocent gurl she used to be.
dun lose urself.
dun become who u dun wanna be.
I love u . allow me to bring u back.
she is my element of joy.
when i see her , and when she opens up, i feel so happy.
we talked about silly stuff yesterday when she came over to my place.
recall back wad we were saying yesterday when u were here.
werent we talking abt the future?
the part about driving lessons
25th hour . hand gears..
i sense that u still see faith in us.
anyway i jux read honey san's blog.
shes again keeping all her problems to herself.
why not jux tell me ?
i mean, she knows that i will be there for her.
u are trying too hard to be independent.
u still have me to crushion ur fall. silly.
have i eva tell u guys hw accurate she was when it comes to predicting hw i feel?
i read her blog entries faithfully since she started blogging.
and when we broke up,
she will write there occasionally
"somehow i know that he still care for me"
"somehow i know that he still love me"
i was lik " Wtf.." when i read it.
i guess i didnt show any obvious indication at tt time.
my honey san is a mew two.
and i hope right now she knows wad im tinking.
wad im feeling.
and grant us.
im counting down to the number of hours im left b4 her presentation.
i hope we two can step into a new phrase , together as one after that.
I love Meli.
and today i woke up.
with the same line
"Fuck. shes nt with me. and today im gonna get her back"
i can wake up saying
"honey. u have given me the green light to work towards waking up nxt to each other every other morning in a few yrs time"
I love you, honey san.
im on the fone with her right now.
and. i wanna say somethings to her..
so let me jux blog..
u are slping right now.
i mean lik. duh.
theres so much more i wanna say to u.
but i dunno if time is on my side.
or shld i say,
i dunno if u are on my side.
i'm actually reading out this letter
when im typing.
u are on da fone with me right now.
u were slping so soundly.
like a baby.
i can hear u breath.
its lik, u are jux nxt to me.
I love u honey san.
i'm done with ur animation btw.
i need ur OP for some content filling.
I miss u.
I miss watching u put on ur contact lens while hugging u from the back.
I miss pretending to slp on ur bed while u bath
and after u bath u will come to me and hug me from the back.
everything will just die one day.
other den the feelings i have for u ,
everything will jux die.
and thats why i dun intending to do anything abt myself,
u blamed urself now that i have this thot.
i kinda blame myself now that u are nt very keen abt relationships.
last time u used to tell ur frens that u were so excited being able to see me.
so happy every wed and fri when we go out.
and so chirpy when we got together.
in fact i only know abt all these 3 wks ago when u told me.
right now. ur feedback on the relationship u are having with him is jux..
u weren't even sure abt anything.
i'm sorry that right now u dun have faith in love.
dun have faith in forever.
but i do hope that u can give me the chance to revive all those fairytale thots u had in the past.
u sent me an sms few hrs ago.
"Lips of an angel"
I knew. I understood.
And thats why i dun wan to get another gurlfren.
becux i know that i will have to sing that song to u, oneday, somehow.
pls be cheerful once again.
i miss u.
I don't know if im over-rating myself.
but it seems that w.o me, u dun seem to be exactly happy as well.
i missed the time we go shopping together.
yea im nt a shopping kinda guy.
but i miss it when u grab onto my arm and pull me to see something with u.
and im sorry for being broke and have to tell u "some other time"
when u wanna get an adidas jacket.
i've yet to see u in the clothes i got for u.
i love/hate it when u get clothes for me.
i love it becux its lik u telling me " i know ur size so well.
i can jux get it for u.
becux all these while im hugging u .
and i wanna see u in those clothes one day. and i wan the whole world to know that i chose them for u "
its sweet lah.
but .. i dun wan u to spend so much as well.
and i tink .
when i got u ur clothes.
i picked the right size the moment i request for it.
i jux looked at u to double check.
amazing. thats hw much we've hugged.
and honey san,
told u i took every hug seriously.
look at us.
honey. im done with ur animation.
probably u might nvr come to my place ever again.
probably we might nt even talk.
I miss u so much.
having u by the fone right now at this hour.
and im nt hanging up.
becux i know if u wake up from a nightmare,
u will feel scared.
and u will call out for me.
and as usual, i hope i can be there for u when u need me.
there were few unfortunate occasions when i couldnt be there.
I love u.
anyway i talked to travis today.
he is so like me in the past.
love the gurl.
wants to get back together but afraid of getting back.
i dunno abt him, but i tried to make things perfect b4 u come in again.
u helped me so much. *muarkx* thanks honey san.
and i told him.
u can be sweet.
and make everything perfect for her to come in.
but thats not wise.
becux once she is gone, even if u buy the moon for her.
she wun care.
the wiser way will be.
tell her that u wanna get the moon for her.
let her know u are working towards it. and she will work with u.
i guess i didnt just aim for the moon.
i tried tearing the sky down for u as our blanket nxt time.
with all the stars shining.
u love stars dun u?
u used to look at the sky at nite.
and tell me where isnt there any stars.
and i will tell u .
cux im ur biggest shining star.
u used to find it so sweet.
whenever i say tt.
so my question is.
if i can be ur star.
why can't u be my universe?
I love u Honey san.
i hope u just call me Hubbie again.
I love Meli.
Wednesday, November 01, 2006
anyway. to FWA,
i've forgotten abt the meeting last night.
i've slept 14 hrs last nite. if u read my blog, u guys shld know why.
she came jux now.
regarding her animation again.
ever since she got together with him
during ard a wk or 2 b4 her promos.
everytime she comes over, the intial phrase is always so tensed.
its lik a discipline master walking into my room.
and i sit there lik a guilty kid.
jux stare blankly.
anyway she reached ard 11.
it was supposed to be 10 though.
but she was late.
i was kinda worried.
i dunno wads goin on
and don't wan anything to happen at her home or on her way here.
so i called her a few times.
she apologized for being late and having to make me worry for her.
she saying SORRY for having me to worry for her?
alrite i dunno if ima weirdo or wad, but thats sweet.
*muarkx* honey san.
yea anyway she came.
brief me about the animation ( yes tonite i have alot of work to do)
and she did her oral presentation.
i dunno why.
i find it kinda silly to do proper work when shes around.
i mean read the entry below, u shld understand why.
she felt slpy after awhile.
she slept at 1 plus last nite btw.
she slept on my bed for awhile.
i went over to asked if shes slpy.
but she was already semi slping.
*tinks back.. was the air con on?*
yes it was. no wonder she felt so slpy.
she got chinese to mug.
tell the truth.
mugging for chinese is pretty silly.
u study 400+ words for.. 25 marks?
i dunno abt jc chinese but thats hw its lik in o lvls.
so honey san, dun concentrate so much on tt 400+ words,
i rather u do well in ur compo and get more slp.
alrite back to her.
she slept. with the blanket covering halfway.
she wore sleevless today anyway.
so i covered the blanket for her properlly as she went to bed.
anyway the tension is gone,
or lowered significantly when she told me this.
"live for the day. dun think too much"
i mean, it kinda lightened the mood .
yes i can sense a degree of sadness in that line.
"live for the day"
probably forever doesnt seem to matter to her, anymore.
and yes, im gonna make it MY job to prove her otherwise.
at least get her back first ya.
and i tried to do my animation.
its pretty crazy work . its lik my studio project.
becux this time, everything is interactive and has link to one another.
during studio project, the monsters animations are inidivudual.
and yes lotsa work tonite.
she woke up after awhile.
yea awhile. i guess.
tok to me abt her work again.
abt hw pack her schdule will be.
probably ima bastard.
we began talking abt things not regarding the animation.
nth kinky, dun worry.
jux some personal check point .
yea u can put it off that way
i love her.
and den went off to have lunch with him.
and i feel lik.. Wtf.
i accompanied her to the train station.
and i saw her.. going to him.
shes napping right now.
tmr will be another holiday for her.
i self proclaimed its my holiday as well.
i got a shit load of assignment left undone.
jux complete her animation first.
and ouch. i've been bitten by a rabbit.
Last hour: 25.
*muarkx* i love u honeysan
thanks for the well wishes.
but this is to u zany.
but.. i guess u gotta read meli's blog as well.
(in fact everybody who wans/decides to conclude jux by my entry).
that was hw she viewed the break up
i mean if u read my oct 11's post, u wuld have seen my side.
read hers. get the whole picture.
or at least,
her struggle and mine.
I love Meli.
i hope i dun have to wake up tmr saying " today im gonna get her back"
i dunno why am i hardcore blogging suddenly again.
just let me use this as a place for me to place my thots.
i've jux read julia's blog.
i read from the part after she and travis broke up.
and i read a part abt travis wanted to game.
and joycelyn told julia how matafleur always forget abt her when he games.
pretty weird ar.
why wuld gurls always think that their guy will forget abt them when they game?
i used to play alot of maplestory once.
my honey san tinks tt i always ignore her while gaming.
how can i forget abt her when my ign is Melir0x?
even in game, i see her name.
in the mid phrase of the game (probably ard lvl 97 or so)
somebody offered 2.3k for my acc.
i was quite tempted to sell actually.
infact all the while i wanted to sell my acc to have more money to spend on my honey san.
end up i held back.
Melir0x . how can i sell?
den there were a few times.
she wanted me to accompany her to the library to study.
and i told her i wanna stay at home to game and why nt she come over?
or i wuld tell her that i will go if i can game in the library.
she was so silly to take it just like that.
My honey san..
she is conservative.
im a hugging and kissing person.
as in, i love to hug and kiss alot.
esp when i feel so good having her with me.
alrite she is a hugging and kissing person too.
she opens up more when shes at my place.
wanting to stay at home to game?
cut the crap.
hw silly wuld it sound if i say
"honey, i wan to hug u w.o the need to care that we are in the library its supposed to be condusive and stuff."
when back then , all tt was in her mind was to complete her studies?
even though she is a hugging and kissing person.
and she loved me.
i bet at tt time, her objective of the day was to study more den to hug and kiss me.
so to those gurls who feel that their boyfriends will forget them while gaming
or becux of gaming..
because like me, they know as well that
at the end of the day, its nt the game they get married to.
they get married to you, sillies (silly plural form)
dun even bother to quarrel abt it.
its like ur boyfren pick a fight with u becux u took too long to try out ur bra.
dun quarrel with them when they dun understand abt this whole gaming thing.
its not they don't want to.
its lik we dun understand the thrill of spending 30 mins to tie our hair.
and wuld u go to ur gurl and say
"fuck, wads so fun abt tying ur hair? i mean .
u have wasted 30 mins of OUR time.
and i bet in tt 30 mins all u thot was ur hair and nt me. im forgotten"
I love Meli.
and im gonna get her back..
and yes, Melir0x is still nt sold.
im gonna put things off pretty crudly.
infact i dunno hw to NOT put this off bluntly.
I am Meli's boyfren.
Im her Hubbie.
She is my Honey.
Just that i am not her only boyfren.
and im having less of her..
pretty weird lah.
fuck. its another pathetic attempt to lik somehow say
"mh u are there. jux that u are nt getting enuf"
i hate wadeva happened.
but i still love her.
nvm this shall jux be a personal blog entry to her.
for those readers who still doesn't know what went on.
i guess u are the type who needs visuals more den words.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=oJkN0zJ49JA < watch.
not screamer not porn.
o genki des ka?
i wish somehow, a cut scene can happen.
an angel telling me wad really went on.
telling you as well, hopefully.
You are a confused gurl right now.
I saw through u 2 nights ago.
I'm sorry but im gonna use this line on u again
"Honey, how long have i known u? how long have we been together"
today another 3 of my classmates asked me wad happened.
why is there a fluctuation of mood in me.
i've told them.
pretty honestly. about wad went on btwn us.
or should i say, among us , now there are 3.
This gurl named shelia.
we hardly talk.
But she came forward to shake my hand and told me "good luck"
yea, u saw jor tagging good luck to me as well.
its only you who can decide whether their well wishes will work or not.
I don't want to share u with someone else.
or to put this across straight.
I want u to be mine and just mine.
Like how u used to want me to be urs and just urs and how i was urs and just urs.
i really wish to stay strong inside and outside.
or at least the outside.
but i can't.
I've lost my wife.
Be it part or u or all of u, still.
I've lost my wife.
my wife who came along with a whole lot of cheeky sms-es,
late night calls..
silly marriages plans...
hugs cuddles kisses and somemore.
yes, quick tempers and frustrations at times.
But still, u are my wife.
Though we had nvr gone through proper ceremonies.
And i was so damn close to a proposal.
I believe in our heart we made a slient pact, vow with one another.
I've done many stupid things in life.
When i was a baby i ate a lightbulb.
When i was 10 i place stink bombs around the school canteen.
When i was 15/16 , i tried to protect ur image in my frens so much that i ended up hurting u sometimes.
And now im 18.
Probably the last year of folly,i've lost u.
wheres the trust i gave u ?
The trust i have always wanted from u.
when i was so ready to get u back and u didnt see it.
and those ugly entries in ur blogs.
[not exactly bad but. they are still ugly]
i kept wondering..
"fuck.. this is bad this is bad.. no way she can love me still if she sees me this way rite? "
2 weeks b4 sp3, i've found my answer.
u loved me.
and somehow, u manage to see that i do as well.
and i thot all the silence i made earlier paid off.
*muarkx* thank u.
for entering into my innerself despite the crazy amount of fortication you KNOW u have to face.
I tried to type this entry w.o needing to stop.
to calm and pace myself.
to not cry and get too overwhelmed.
i've read ur blog entries.
suddenly "love" and "forever" seem to be just words to u.
as in, they are just words with a reduced significance.
We loved each other.
Right now i still love u.
and probably u still do, too.
but to put off a conservative figure,
Lets take it as onesided now. Just I love u.
too me, i still take the 2 words mentioned early pretty seriously.
I mean, im nt the kind who " kkie. we be together 30 days den break "
and once u told me that we can be together. forever.
the promise we made.
to love each other no matter wad happens and no matter hw far we are apart.
i don't know what u were tinking then when u made tt promise
but to me , back then.
the worst case scenario was that the deathgod pulled us apart.
not break ups or seperations .
infact breaking up seems worse den having the shiningami to tear us.
not having u to love me might just be the worst ever.
I don't know where will the both of us end up after i'm done with ur animation.
but everybody knows,
if nth good happens, for a change.
I will have to just erase myself.
probably just to make things look good.
I don't feel lik talking to anybody.
but i dun wanna cause un-neccessary worries.
Im probably limiting myself to just
FWA ( my current project team )
Kc jowin sl cheng
talk not as in talk abt stuff.
"yada yada blahblahblah. "
If he is jealous.
" Don't worry. IF nth goes well btwn mh and i.
pretty soon, he will just be a tablet."
I love u Honey san.
Clown Mr Minghuii.
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
Im right now in school.
i dun have the mood to listen to what the teacher is saying anyway.
alrite a little update abt us recently.
damn why am i saying as though we are together.
anyway , i shall go on.
I'm right now doing her animation for her PW.
yea, infact, this is the only bridge of communication for the both of us.
let me go according to the timeline.
i helped her convert her swf files to gif and mpeg files.
she needs to put into her ppt slides.
and im helping her in it.
i mean. yea at least we are still talking.
the problem is, the ppt always crash when it plays the video.
i didnt save my own project presentation when it crash.
nvm abt tt.
the screwed part is that the ppt works on my com, but doesnt work on hers.
end up, i placed her stuff into my ipod and pass to her the nxt morning ( monday)
anyway, i worked till 2+am with FWA discussing abt our presentation the nxt day.
i met her at 7am to pass her my ipod.
i passed her M&M as well.
Minghui and Meli?
anyway , i met her at yishun.
i can only accompany her till the nxt station as he will be meeting her the station after that.
it was only 4 mins probably.
she asked me 3 times " wad about ur presentation"
and i said " its alrite, i can solve it.dun worry "
and the more she asks, the more she looked lik shes gonna cry.
anyway i passed her 5 bucks b4 i left.
i wanted her to have some decent lunch.
not 3 ferro rocher and a bottle of green tea.
maybe some decent food.
lik her yoshinoya and stuff lik tt.
after that i smsed her
" im will try my very best to close my 1 eye and allow the final 45 mins hes gonna have u, after that. im gonna take u forever"
she replied " i don't know "
her teacher didnt respond well to the animations.
he wanted mass changes.
and im fine with it.
i mean, right now, this project is the only thing thats allowing us to meet each other, probably the only topic we activly talk abt.
damn. i miss her . but wtf.
thats all. dang.
*anyway brb. im having a test now*
kkie back. had 3d test just now.
i met her again later on monday night. she came to tell me abt the animation changes.
my mom and her got some misunderstanding.
i guess my mom wasnt tactful with her words.
and my honey san is a lil sensitive i guess.
i mean. wTf .
w.o the status , the whole tension rised.
she told me wad to change and stuff.
i jux laid on my bed.
she sat by my side. and we chat a little.
some stuff happened.
i guess i won't write wad izzit abt.
anyway, after an hour or so, i sent her to northpoint .
she cabbed home from there *sigh*.
on the bus she told me silly stuff
" hey , right now im feeling lik last time b4 we go out, i will go to ur place first.
and now we are heading off to somewhere else"
i jux looked at her and smile.
its so cute when she said that. so innocent.
anyway i went home and i talk to my abt it.
i wasn't happy though.
my dad came in.
and i told them right now im concentrating on my honey san's project.
this MIGHT be the last chance i have to get her back.
and i dunno hw long this project will last.
and i wanna take us as far as we can with this chance.
i dun mind nt doing my work.
nt completing my assignments.
nt eating well nt slping well.
with my o lvl cert, im pretty confident tt i can have another chance to get a diploma.
i might nt have another chance to get her back. damn.
my parents weren't happy.
i really love my honey san.
and i really gonna get her back.
ppl are caring abt hw much i eat, hw much i slp, hw i do my work.
wadabout how i feel?
anyway i worked on her animation thru the night.
flash kept crashing damn!.
i worked till 4+
and decided to take a break.
she came online shortly after to complete her IR.
and yea, i helped her with her IR again.
i need a break from her animation.
ard 530, i went to slp.
i tried to slp but i can't.
and i sent a sms to her.
she was so sweet, she didnt wanna wake me up.
and thats why she didnt reply
thanks honey san *muarkx*.
end up, i only manage to sleep at 6.
alrite lets jux take it as tuesday starts at 630 am.
she woke me up becux i needa meet her to pass her my ipod.
i pass her M&Ms again.
and i told her a secret she ought to know.
gah its btwn us.
volume 35. yea honey san =).
shes so cute. she kinda blushed alittle after that.
and i told her i didnt wanna come to sch today, i jux wanna finish up her animation.
she told me nt to be silly.
and i mentioned time and time again.
that after tis animation, i will be gone.
im so down. i mean .
but anyway i came to sch, for her sake . alrite.
i dunno how long can this last.
but i hope that i can get her back in no time.
I love Meli.
Sunday, October 29, 2006
I shall use this blog of mine as my project HQ.
and my online diary.
this blog will be our HQ. if u wanna suggest something
or announce something but couldnt contact
the other group mates, use the tag board.
I've received most of the work u guys gave.
Some incompletes ( yes i didnt complete as well. bad day yesterday ).
but its enough for our presentation tmr.
I shall post my part of the ideas here in this blog.
for now , i've suggested 2 things which are already approved by miss pat.
game will run along every axis.
in other words, monsters will be able to spawn on every axis as well.
whether it will cause motion sickness or not, we gotta check that out.
2) we will allocate "tiles" which will change the maze arrangment.
in other words. lets say i step on "random xyz tile"
"random xyz tile" will affect how the maze arragment is at area coord xxx:xxx
this allows re-playability w.o having to plan too many stages.
for now, these 2 are approved. and there are more which i've thot of.
3) there will be 2 kind of weapons. Melee and projectile.
Melee , for example, sword, dagger,katar.
projectile, bow, guns, (spells?)
each weapon has its own SKILL SET.
im thinking of characteristic of each weapon. maybe..
sword - slow but high damage.
dagger - poison attribute ( inflict DPS )
katar - fast but low damage.
bow - fast but low damage
gun - slow but high damage.
each TYPE of weapon will have something call [RECOGNITION POINTS]
in other words, the more u use a certain type of weapon, the better u are at it.
so theres a "level up" for ur weapons.
everytime u level up, u get a new skill to the weapon.
lets say im going for dagger.
lvl 1 dagger - i only get normal stab. [passive]
lvl 2 dagger - i get tis poison which will slow down the monster i stab [active]
lvl 3 dagger - i get tis poison which will inflict xx DPS [active]
lvl 4 dagger - i get tis poison which will temporary turn the monster inactive.[active]
lvl 5 dagger - i get to control this monster for a period of time.[active]
or maybe im going for sword.
lvl 1 sword - i only get normal slash [passive]
lvl 2 sword - i get to use double slash [active]
lvl 3 sword - i get to increase my sword critical rate by 30% [passive]
lvl 4 sword - i sacrifice 10% of my hp for 200% damage [active]
lvl 5 sword - strafe . i will do x number of hits. but during this period, i canot control my character actions, but only the direction he/she moves [active]
melee weapons will have to be sharpened. probably by flint or stuff like that.
while sharpening, u are not allowed to be interrupted.
if u are interupted, you will have to resharpen.
blunt melee weapons will result in taking 3 times more hits to kill monsters
4) these are the stuff u can pick up / interact with along the way:
flints - to sharpen ur melee weapons
speed potions - increase movement speed by xx% for xx period.
def potions - increase defense by xx% for xx period.
health potion - regen health
re-arranger- affect the maze arrangements at some other parts of the maze
mines - will blow up 3 secs after activation. 30% of fusing w.o blowing up. [radius to be revised]
lamp post- allow you to have a quick peek at the whole maze.
yeap. these are the 2 things i've thot.
kinda brain dead .*sigh*.
miss ex gurlfren ar. no choice.
oh ya, our det group got one member call melissa rite?
wads her chinese name? i dun feel lik calling her melissa =/
alrite. any suggestions pls post it in the tag board.
alrite blog .
she is attached .
i do miss her yes i do. silly stuff do happen btwn the both of us.
i miss her so much.
i feel lik erasing myself.
i mean. fuck. i dun even feel lik writing my name on my assignments.
who the fuck is minghui w.o meli?!
ever since she enters my life, im really proud of myself .
wtf.. the gurl who is so perfect to me actually loves me!
ya , she is unreasonable at times. she is lik a princess.
but because of that, when she does something sweet, its really sweet.
i chat with her on the fone 2 nites ago.
i told her that i wanna erase myself. and she was so sweet.
she said " den lets slp b4 the fone tonite"
well i know that this might nt mean anything much to her, but damn!.
and in the morning (yes still by the fone) .
i kissed her via the fone.
those silly yet sweet " muarkx".
and i said " morning breath, u dun mind? "
she say she doesnt. dang!
so i told her " i wanna wake up to ur morning breath everyday. "
kkie to those who dun understand wad tt means.
it means that i wanna be with her every day and slp with her every nite.
and she replied " den we shall talk on the fone every night "
dang i dunno whether to feel good abt it or not.
its so sweet when she said tt. but..
i dun wan jux fone calls. i mean.
i wanna be with her manxz. fuck.
today i had breakfast with my parents.
we went to this coffeeshop.
i remembered thats the coffeeshop where i sms-ed my honey few mths ago saying
"im jux a pit stop. u came u stopped and u will go"
and she replied
"u are not a pitstop . i wanna stay " or somewhere along that line.
and wad now? =/
the end of my sp3 was my happiest day.
we were lik .. so sweet.
infact it felt as though we were together again.
well , that was the way i see it.
that we were ALREADY attached since that day.
she told me to put on my ring on the ring finger during my competition
to tell the other gurls that im already taken by her.
she was so cute when she said that. and i could do nth but to look at her and smile as she fed me with yogurt icecream.
i hope.. i can get her back before SP4.
everyday i wake up and i say " FUCK"..
cux in my mind i kept tinking that she is no longer with me and with someone else.
the only positive stuff which i can tink of everymorning is " today i will get her back"
but at the end of the day, i go to slp , knowing that i have to say the same thing the nxt morning..
i wonder when can we lie on the same bed again.
lets nt talk abt lying on the same bed.
jux meeting up is already something so hard to achieve.
im so ashamed being myself.
i can't even keep her mine.
I love Meli.
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
i finally had the courage to read my blog and to post something again.
see, meli and i are no longer together.
and my blog was all abt her.
i didnt dare to face it. didnt dare to read it either.
im afraid of missing her too much.
but right now, i've nth to fear.
nt tt we are back together.
nt tt i've moved on. but i have to say somethings
before i dun have the chance to.
im so down w.o her. i dun fucking know why.
nobody told me to fall for her so deeply.
its jux her. i just couldnt help me but to fall so deeply for her.
anyway, she has found someone new.
someone whom she said she will nvr fall for.
someone whom she said comes and goes quickly.
i love her so much. screw me. i fucking do.
hw i wish ima bastard. fall for a new gurl lik 3 days after the break up.
i hate myself to the extent of wishing im someone worse.
the pain is killing me.
i miss her . fucking hell. i do.
im so small in her right now.
prolly smaller den the width of a text cursor.
i wan to get her back.
i tried dumb methods.
i try to FUCKING lie to myself.
imagine meli is a new gurl and i've gotten over my ex gurlfren ( which is meli too)
fuck. the process is fucked up.
i've to inject myself with the illusion.
numb my misery.
and pretend . fuck.
when i was at my lowest point when we jux broke up.
she was there to build me up.
make me all ready for her again.
she told me the names of our children
she looked at my kitchen and said " our house will be designed lik this tis tis tis "
she inisisted tt i have to teach our kids hw to swim.
now she told me theres no future.
btwn us, there isnt any future.
i dunno whether its some faith which i hold in her.
or izzit my fucked up POV.
i dunno why i got a feeling that i still matter pretty much in her.
but becux she didnt see a future in us, thats why she force herself to believe tt she has fell for someone else.
if i could read her mind and her heart.
den hw did she make me believe and make me see that theres actually one for us.
her frens and i kinda solved out our differences.
all the while, they didnt not like me for me.
but instead they didnt lik the way i handled certain issues.
in other words, they hate the idea, nt the person.
we are no longer in schs whereby the sch is fucking against the relationship.
she admitted that she was a wilful princess last time
and will change for OUR sake.
and she did.
i no longer keep my problems to myself, that makes my days better and my temper better.
and now, its left with her parents.
her parents are good parents in the sense that,
they protect meli.
but.. they protected her for too long.
imagine meli as a chick and her parents are the egg shell.
the normal process will be the chick wans to get out,
the shell cracks open
and the chick venture.
but right now. its lik this.
the chick wans to get out but the shell doesnt crack.
one day, the shall will jux shatter.
and the chick will not know anything.
hai. why didnt anybody see thats wad im trying to prevent?
hai. i dunno wtf to do.
im so fucking lost.
i can't live if living is w.o her.
theres a side to me and something abt her parents we yet to see,
yet to understand.
im right now somebody who is so filled with love and hatred.
i love her.
i hate myself.
i just want her back.
fuck, why did i love her so much?
why did i love her and nt be able to have her?
she is ignoring me now, forcing me to move on.
hw can i move on w.o her?
i remember when we were in bed.
she told me " even if nxt time u get married to someone else, u can only have sex with me and everynight u have to come to my place to have sex."
i didnt even know wad to reply.
i mean lik fuck.
i wun even tink of being with someone else other den her.
i wouldn't even allow myself to be with someone else, or she with someone else.
i've said b4.
if i dun have her, nobody can tink of laying a finger on her.
and fuck it, those werent some horny talks.
she was dead serious.
i love her so fucking much. wtf.
anyway, i've packed all our stuff she gave me.
clothes bag rings..
and a file which holds all her letter.
her broken comb.
our first swensen receipt.
the first plaster she used.
stuff lik tt.
even the turtle she gave me.
its nt easy .
those are the things which she gave me to motivate me.
to tell me that " hey. i wan u to see u in those clothes one day "
to tell me " hey. the turtle. its for u to prove ur responsibilities. we have to plan for our kid."
to tell me " we have reached a point whereby we have done this this this this this "
i've returned all back to her.
i dun deserve any of them,
i was hoping jthat she browse through those stuff
and find the strength she gave me.
anyway, i kept a diary all these while.
i mean. after the break up.
if u guys are wondering hw i live from day to day, read on.
On Tuesday and Wednesday, I have been to her class chalet. It was so wonderful. For the first time, I felt so accepted by her frens. I met her at the porch of costa sand. Hai. I miss her so much but I can’t hug her. Im afraid im violating . I know she still loves me. But wad can I do? Im the guy she ditched a long long time ago anyway. We went to the beach. She sat infront of me. I hugged her from the back and I assured her..
“you will nvr fall cux im holding you “
But soon, it was too late. I wan her to get some slp becux I know the nxt day its gonna be fun filled for her. I told her many times to slp, she didn’t wan to. Hai. Can’t she see that I wan her to enjoy as well? I feel so dumb, so shitty.
I piggy back her for a distance of around 50-100 meter. She is heavy I gotta admit. Or am I jux weak. But I felt so happy when I piggy back her. I could feel her whole body on me. Hugging me so closely from the back. When her head comes near, I very much wans to whisper “ I love u. pls dun let go “. But im too afraid to. Im afraid that by doing so, her mood will be spoilt. I dun wanna let my emo-ness kill her joy.
I confess, im going crazy without her. I love her yes I do. She told me that im the one for her and im the only one. I felt so happy. I couldn’t believe my eyes actually. Having her to love me is still a dream. I very much wanted to reply that I wan to be with her. Forever and ever. Nth is gonna tear us apart.
How can i? I bet till today she still dunno hw much I love her. I bet till today she doesn’t know tt I miss her all the time but I jux refuse to say it out becux I know she will feel bad nt being able to accompany me. I love her yes I really do and I dun wan to treat her as my shit hole and pour all my troubles and misery to her telling her how much I miss her and I wanna see her . I shall keep it all within me. Im a ditched guy. Its okay to have all these shit in me. I wan to keep her pure and nice. I so much wanna say “ hey, I would like to date u “ with the intentions of getting her back . but tell me, hw can I make her really really happy ? “
We do still hold hands hug and kiss when we meet. I wanted to hug her more, kiss her more and pull her closer to me. But can i? will she find me rude? Yes ,I know that she wans those as well, but, am I worthy? She is often unhappy when I dun initiate to hug her , to kiss her but wad can I do ?i dun wan to hurt her even more cux I know she will miss all the hugging and all the kissing like hw I feel right now.
Could she guess my intentions? Can she see my love for her? Can she see that she isn’t actually alone and tt I haven’t left?
I miss her. I miss her a lot. I find it hard to smile when she isn’t around with me . I find it hard to even feel anywhere beyond sadness when she isn’t with me. All the happiness I project on the outside dun come from inside of me.
Becux I dun wan anybody to blame her for them having to see me unhappy. I dun wan her to feel guilty that I am unhappy. I wan her to see me smiling and remember me as a happy boy.
I guess I’ve failed. I’ve lost to myself. I can’t stop tinking abt her. I tink of her 24/7. I can’t keep myself away . I tried gaming, I tried doing my work, I tried staying up at night , I tried banging my head , I tried taking very long baths, I tried starving myself. All of them doesn’t kill the misery.
When I see her, im happy . im glad. Im so proud of myself when she still throw herself at me and that she still wan to see me. But damn me, why am I saying all these? I very much wanted to throw myself to her aswell. But .. can i? I dun even allow myself to confess that I still wanna be with her and I miss her . I dun even allow myself to even make her miss me.
But I can’t deny that its truly a flattery knowing that she stayed so true to me all these while. I swear she is the only one for me. But the thing is, hw can I allow myself to hug her and say my silly confessions when she’ve ditched me?
Yes she told me time and time again it was in a feat of anger. But .. it doesn’t deny the fact that im so small , so tiny that jux a moment of fury , she can take me away from her life.
I miss her , I miss her. I had nvr allowed anybody to come near to my com . I dun wan anybody to every read these documents becux I dun wan anybody to tell her all abt these to make her feel down, bad and guilty abt it.
Its Thursday, and I have principal of games later. I dunno wad time she ends . but I hope to see her when I go to sch or finish class. I dun dare to ask her out. I hope luck would be on my side.
Please, help me.. im dying.
5 more days to the nxt 19.i know she will remember this day. And I know she will tink that I’ve forgotten all abt 19s. but , how can I forget? Its so important to me . it marks the day when I promised her my undying love.
And till today, its still burning.
I’ve no sch today. In the past, every Friday I end class at 12 and I will rush to meet her . but im always late. I had drawing as my last lesson and I wanna wash my hands so that I can hug her and hold her hand w.o her pushing me away.
Ppl. Do you know hw painful it feels to be pushed?
Im constantly feeding myself with such pain . I wanna tell her that I miss her and I love her. But I choose to be the good guy AND the bad guy at the same time. I dun wan her to feel sad tt im actually missing her and she knows well that missing somebody isn’t exactly a good feeling. and im the bad guy to myself..
Cux im a brittle glass bottle with all the emo trapped inside me. My unstable mind shakes the bottle , churning out gas which cannot be released. My love for her had capped my bottle so tight, that nt even an atom of emo gas can leak out.
One day if I die and all these were to be revealed, I hope she could understand my coldness, my emo-ness , my frustrations.
I dun dare to say much on hw will she respond, but I jux hopes that she understands and that she was nvr alone from the start.
Im always there with her. But I cloaked myself.
I love her. I miss her. And its only to my emotionless computer I dare to confess to. All these crazy feelings I have for her. I hope..she will feel the same.
I love u.. from the bottom of my heart, I do.
Today I’ve completed my script. A script which I will nvr wan her to read becux I know that she wun see the whole hidden meaning behind.
I will keep this entry short and brief .
The whole hidden meaning behind the script is..
If theres a chance for me to make it up for everything which u feel that I’ve failed you, I will take the chance and nvr let go.
I can’t slp. Its nt becux of work which is keeping me awake. Its nt becux of my growing gastric that is stopping me from losing conscious. Its becux.. once again…
I miss her.
I know I can nvr ever end the number of times I say that I miss her. But so wad if I say it a million and a billion times?
Will she know?
I dun wanna blog this down becux the blog reminds so much abt us. My life is so abt her.
She always say my life is abt bball and playing games.
I guess till now, she hasn’t felt all the love I have for her. The strong growing love , undying emotions I feel for her.i dun really quite get it. Why izzit that im so willing to kill myself jux to save her tears? The reason I could only think of is…
Cux I love her.. too much.
But den again, im saying this once more. Can I ever tell her how much I love her and how much I miss her? Wad if I tell her , jux right now that all the while I miss her and I love her and I wan to be with her no matter wad .can she accept it?
She is such an attractive gurl. So many guys are after her. I am nt the only one, and will nvr be the only one. But damn. How can I be the only one in her lik hw she is the only only one in me?
I weep I cry. But I wun let her know. She has better things to worry abt . she got her sch and her everything. I avoid very long msg-es to her becux I dun wan her to spend too much time tinking of wadeva I’ve said and ruin her life in process. I dunno if im playing as the good or bad guy..
But I hope my intentions were felt.
Its 2.17 am right now. And Im missing her. Can I stab myself to ease the pain?
No better not, im afraid I might leak out the secrets of me silently missing her .
Just to me and myself..
I love her , and I miss her.
I wont want to let u go.
She jux told me she wan to watch nxt yr’s national day with me-live. I know I dun lik such shows but ..
For her.. im willing to .
I can picture ourselves sitting nxt together, hugging each other as we enjoy the spectacular display of the fireworks and her favourite army guys marching pass the stadium showing their impressive coordination.
For her, im willing to strive to get into this kinda NDP performance army stuff ( I dunno wad izzit call) hoping that she will catch a glimpse of me.
I know im silly I know im dumb. And I know well that I haven’t tell this to anyone. Nt even to her becux..
Im banning myself from telling her that I love her and I miss her. Yes I suck . sometimes I break the rules which I’ve set and still say those to her.
But I did that, cux I know if I dun, she will jux slip away from me.
And I nvr wanna know that she is going away from me.
Nt becux im an ass and I dun wan her to move on. Yes, I will nvr wanna see her with someone new cux I know I will nt stop loving her .but den again, who am i?
Who am i?
Pls tell me how can I say that I love her without her feeling down that I am feeling sad nt being able to see her ?
I really dun wish to hide my emotions anymore. But wad can I do? I dun wanna bring her the pain of feeling guilty that she can’t accompany. I do wanna see her 24/7. I , from the start, already saw her as my wife. Somebody I wanna spend my whole life with.And that’s why.. this break up isn’t jux a break up…
It’s a divorce. A divorce I nvr wanna have. But .. I know I can’t do any shit abt it. I jux miss her so so much.
I miss her, can anybody hear me?
Studio project had finally ended. I had such a great time with her yesterday. I spent almost 12 hrs with her and im so so so happy. We went to have good food. I had prawns though. She didn’t like the smell. But. I know I wanna kiss her. So I got a whole box of mint and completed them all.
She is so sweet. She brought along a smart shirt . she told me that it was an outer coat to keep herself from the cold. But doesn’t matter the reason, I felt that she did this cux she knows that im wearing smart today . I love her so much. So so much.
And know wad? She jux told me that her mom accepted us and had to wait till her exams end den we talk abt it. Tell the truth, im actually getting impatient. I mean. Finally her mom accept. Im so ready to make her mine. I wanna impress her mom her dad her everybody . I wan to be the only one in her. I love her so much.
Seems like all these silent emotions are beginning to pay off. She is happier with my existence. im nt pressurizing her with my constant “ I miss you”s and “I wanna see you”s.
Silly gurl, she thot she was actually selfish that she is taking me from all my frens. Actually, I jux played hard to please. From the start I already wnted to spend that day with her and all with her. My frens weren’t even close to the point of negotiation. I love her so much , how can I say no?
Today she watched me play WE9 on an xbox 360. I felt so proud to win infront of her. Everytime I score a goal, I hug her and I kiss her. She hugged me while playing . first time, she hugged me when im gaming. I feel so lucky.
I very much wanna turn ard and say I love her and ask her to be mine. Im jux too tempted to.
It seems lik somebody else is after her. Calling her sweet names and stuff. Sigh.. I know im ready for her. Pls, dun let anybody get in the way pls..
Pls.. I beg everybody pls..
She is mine, I wan her to be mine.. pls…pls..
I dunno why, I got this weird feeling that shes gonna go away from me. I feel that im losing her. I nvr wanna lose her . nvr will.
I’ve told her my feelings , she assured me that she will nvr ever leave me nomatter wad.
Im so glad.
I felt so assured.
A few more weeks to go, and we will get back together.
I dun wanna distract her during her mugging period. I wan her to be able to study and promote.
Its nt that I dun wanna talk to her, ignore her or wad. I wanna see her too. But I dun wanna say it out cux I know that wuld distract her. I love her .. silently.
Damn, I feel lik a secret admirer suddenly.
But be it secretly or not, I love her.
Today’s entry will be short. I have mixed emotions now.
But I jux pray…
That she will nvr ever leave me
I love her…
I’m here to confide my biggest truth, and also my greatest mistake.
Let me state my identity once again incase one day I’m being forgotten. So let’s hope if one day I’m not around, somebody will search my computer for documents I left behind.
My name is Chiew Ming Hui. S88xxxxxX. I’m born in the year 1988 as a Singaporean and I’m typing this to say the things I might never have the chance to say.
I shall not use any flowery languages to avoid confusion or misconceptions in the process of being misinterpreted due to miscommunications which might cause further misunderstanding between you and me.
I’ve spent my last 4 years of my life loving a girl. Her name is Melissa. A pretty common name for such a splendid girl like her. Strange but true, this very special angel had fallen for me. Two different from two very different world somehow managed to synchronize. A very special bond was built. A very naïve taught of mine that this unique intermolecular force can never be broken by any power.
I was so wrong.
The people who build it defiantly have the ability to destroy whatever that was built initially. We call this “to a child, parents are god” And there is nothing the almighty god can’t do
I, by default, participated in the massacre.
The two very different natures of the both of us had churned out much interest to admire. The interest soon became a conflict as the both of us had different point of views to share and to contribute. The thought of building our utopia and the vision to be together brings us further day by day. We wanted to build a house with both ice and fire. The tickling cool sensation of ice and the vibrant color contributed by the blazing fire.
And this is when the mistake sets in.
I shall declare my identity once again.
I’m Chiew Ming Hui, the murderer of the bond we’ve built.
I’m a murderer in the name of love. In order to protect my angel, I’ve killed her. In order to spend more time with my angel, I’ve pushed myself away from her. The bliss to be acknowledged to be with her had made me suffered a jolt of amnesia. I’ve forgotten that like every other mere mortal who roamed this world in the same era as me, I too, is made of flesh blood and bone. I am no super hero who went through a gamma radioactive mutation. I’m a plain mere mortal who carries the unexplainable unconscious touch call “emotions”
Emotions. I am not going to read up dictionary.com to come up with a grammatically absolute explanation to what is it or how it works. I will just give my own deduction.
I am somebody who failed expressing my emotions. In order to protect the existing smiles of the people I love, I’ve suppressed all my frowns and kept it in the core within me.
But I’ve forgotten.
The most vicious fish lies in the deepest sea bed. I thought that by keeping it in the deepest closet in me, things will be fine. I was so wrong.
The Chronicles of Narnia explained pretty much why I was wrong. A closet placed in a room where nobody was allowed to enter leads to another dimension. Another dimension where by if anybody were to talk about it or if I were to finally confess to those whom I want to say to, I would sound totally absurd.
And thus, it’s my fault right now that if I were to confess my suppressed feeling of missing her, who will believe?
She won’t. She just won’t. I don’t blame her. It’s like suddenly you were told that the 911 was an act by the American politicians because if there is no war, they won’t make money. Thus sabotaging the Al Qaeda so that they will win support from their patriots.
Will you buy that?
I’ve failed her. Yes I’ve failed her pretty much. My silence brutally assassinated the fact that I’ve never left her. All I ask for right now is a chance to redeem myself, and a chance to build our utopia under the fusion of both fire and ice.
If man were made to err, please allow them to learn and make up.
just somethings i wan to mention to some ppl.
Dad, mom , sisters :
You people watched me grow up since day 1.
erjie always say i take too long to grow up.
well. i am growing up now.
hope i wasnt too late for u guys to see that im actually thinking.
and caring, and loving the people around me.
i always love this family.
and thats why i wan to keep the existing laufters.
and thats why i chose to not share my problems with u guys.
im lucky that my parents are open minded.
i tried to share this gift with melissa.
guess i've failed.
im sorry. i didnt manage to keep melissa with me.
im sorry mom and dad, u guys lost half a daughter cause of me.
i know mom dotes on melissa.
i know dad does to, but jux tt he didnt show.
i know the both of u love her alot.
i do too. but im sorry.
i've lost her. as a result, u guys lost her too.
i wan to make my own decisions.
mom, dad. im going through a very painful phrase.
i love melissa. i know you guys do too.
i nvr thot of hurting anybody.
i dunno wad went wrong.
but all i know is that im so fucking screwed.
i've lost the gurl i love.
u guys lost half ur daughter.
wadeva happened multiplied the pain.
though shes the same gurl,
the pain of losing her isnt splitted up to share among us.
i pray she will be back with us soon.
lend me ur strength
Melissa's mom , dad and sister :
Hi there. i know i might nvr have another chance to talk to u guys.
thus, im posting it all here. hopefully one day somebody will refer u to my blog.
im sorry that i was once filled with so much hatred.
misunderstanding and misconception.
theres a side in you and me which both sides didnt see.
if we were given another chance, can i know u guys better?
in fact, i've dreamt of da day we all live together as one happy family.
i imagined myself buying nike golf balls for uncle waitong.
imagined myself buying egg tarts for aunty linda.
and melina, i saw myself helping u a little with ur studies.
ur sister is an amazing gurl,melina.
learn from her.
uncle waitong and aunty linda, im sorry for everything done in the past.
the actions were childish to you guys, maybe.
but i swear my intentions were nvr to screw up .
melissa is a good gurl. she is obedient, hardworking, smart, considerate, pretty.
shes a gem.
she've left me. i dunno why.
i don't know if u guys are happy abt it .
i know im bold to ask for this.
but can we have a nice talk one day. talk about anything.
im not fussy. i just want us to have a chance to know each other better.
and a chance to grant meli and i if we were to be together
Sage, thanks for being there for me.
u are definatly one of the wisest guy i've seen.
ur intelligence , ur wit, ur ability to deduce and conclude.
sometimes, u take too long to calculate the gains and losses.
u take too long to weigh the pros and cons.
time wun travel at a speed according to YOUR calculation.
i've heard abt u knowing huiting.
i was quite shocked actually.
i looked at zara and ploy.
den i looked at huiting.
its lik u've got into a new music genre.
anyway, good luck.
Sl Kc Jowin Cheng:
barren. pw same as usual. firstname.lastname@example.org
i hope u guys dun rmb me as Klown, Synvotex, Inactive Taz or Polygons.
u guys watched me since 13.
Sl and i were the LOD last time.
Kc was crappier den i thot. when i was 13 and 14, i thot he is the quiet kind.
jowin. amazing.we know each other since 4.
Guys, thank u so much.
the number of people u guys interact with is rather small.
and im so damn proud to be one of the rare few.
thank u so much for being there for me through my teenage years.
Cheng, u too have watched me grow since 13.
u are one very real guy.
and hw i wish things are as simple as hw u tink they are
I've nvr for once thought that i would be able to share nice conversations with u.
i'm sorry for all the misunderstanding caused.
I guess among all of meli's frens, u were the first to ask me
my side of the story of wadeva happened years back.
thank you so much.
and thanks for ur motivation.
thanks for seeing that i am the one for meli.
but i dunno if she sees it that way as well.
You've been a fren of meli since primary sch.
i guess among all of them, u stayed with her for the longest time.
continue to stay by her side.
she needs u.
im sorry for all the stupid things i've said.
and all the stupid misunderstanding.
U were meli's first MI fren whom i really talked to.
thanks for standing by my side and slapping me with reality.
we are almost strangers.
but u were there when i need somebody to talk to regarding meli.
and thanks for trusting me with part of ur problems.
i appreciate that.
we've known each other for almost 10 yrs.
thanks for trusting me with ur problems.
i know i've nvr done enuf as a fren.
you have a boyfren. he is in camp right now, fighting for the country
(yea, thats wad they say)
spend as much time as u can with him .
even if it requires u to travel to and fro. its worth it.
thank u for everything.
I'm glad that u finally got a boyfren.
im sorry that i couldnt do much abt ur problems with ur boyfren.
u and i are just frens.
not saying that "we are frens so dun fucking care "
but theres jux so much i can do as a fren.
and i will nvr be related to ur boyfren.
thus , theres nth much i can do.
cherish this relationship.
u guys made my introduction to poly so amazing.
definatly there were times when we have conflict.
but wtf, we are still so close.
even after the specs seperation, we still make it a point to hang up.
to my closest DM0507 frens.
brian kaisiang xavier.
thanks for always looking out for me. thanks for taking care of me.
ur jokes are cold. but u make it a point to at least try to make us laugh.
u are NOT an unwanted soloist. u just didnt care much abt gurls.
u are the closest female poly fren i have. we two are definatly very very different.
and thanks for always encouraging me and always believe in my critics.
shirley and siqi.
thank you for looking out for me, caring so much abt my grades and attendence.
u two are naggy. yes, almost equally as naggy.
i know u guys meant well.
My current game classmates:
i hope u guys remember as the one who take sweets from the rich and sharing them with everybody else.
jayson have fun going after shelia.
suman and edmund, u guys made me fucking jealous to tell the truth.
i always wanted to hug melissa as much as u guys can.
vinod and edwin, u guys are amazing. u guys tried to make me laugh.
i did, thanks.
even though i am down with problems and shit, u guys were there to make me laugh.
and to amos (though u are nt in games).
i thot u were emo fuck. u too, did try to make me laugh. and im thankful for that.
u guys helped me realise that its not only pixels u earn in game.
its the frenship.
thanks for making us so influential with the bonding we share.
the only person i will ever say such stuff to.
The time i get to spend with u is priceless.
The love we share can nvr be replaced.
I don't wan to type wad i wanna say to u here .
I would rather seize this chance to see u.
I love u.
I am not telling anybody abt this entry.
i hope she will jux..
drop by someday if she tinks for me.
KILL ME KILL ME !
KILL ME KILL ME !
KILL ME KILL ME !KILL ME KILL ME !
KILL ME KILL ME !
KILL ME KILL ME !KILL ME KILL ME !
KILL ME KILL ME !
KILL ME KILL ME !
KILL ME KILL ME !
KILL ME KILL ME !
KILL ME KILL ME !
KILL ME KILL ME !
KILL ME KILL ME !
KILL ME KILL ME !
KILL ME KILL ME !KILL ME KILL ME !
KILL ME KILL ME !
KILL ME KILL ME !
KILL ME KILL ME !